I've taken to posting here because it seems (if only slightly) more dignified than continuing to complain about the same thing in front of 100+ people who've proven they don't understand anything that goes on in my life. The bottom line is that, at this fucking moment, i hate life. I can use every coping mechanism in the book and get somewhere close to happy, but there's still that huge, festering, black hole in my heart and after so long, the denial and repression and projection take too much energy and I crash. I falter. Amd i go right back to wishing i was immersed in the time before my heart got trampled, or before it had the chance to. Those were the last times i was happy. I lied when i said i wanted a rewind button, or a spoiler alert; i wouldn't give up those six weeks for anything in the world; but i'm so god-awful tired of being miserable. I always said no one would ever make me miserable, and despite the way it looks, i think that's still true. He somehow made me happier than i'd ever been; not having him in my life sucks, but i just revert right back to the fact that i wasn't a good fit for his life and thus maybe couldn't make him happy. I wouldn't spend a minute making that person unhappy. So what it all boils down to is me; i let myself feel something i didn't think existed and now that i know it does, i can't seem to feel much else. I'm trying. And despite that i'd never do anything that wasn't genuine, i feel like a fraud. How can i even kiss someone else when i know that deep down, they'll never really have my heart?

I'm so sick. My throat is damn near swollen shut and it hurts to exist; and although i managed not to be broken; i managed to keep functioning just like life was normal, i despise it because i know i'm not happy, not really. I'm so tired of pretending, even when i really think i'm genuinely happy, and my body just gave up for a bit. So now i lay here, feeling like complete shit in every context and I still wonder what i did wrong to end upwith the short end of the stick. I have a good life, i know that. And i know plenty of the current misery is clouded by the physical ailments; but this life isn't what I wanted. I have passion, I have drive, and I have ambition. I can go after anything I want. But live is a little more elusive than that and unfortunately, my whole belief system has changed. I never believed in soul mates; i still don't. There are people in my life right now proving that i can be genuinely happy despite what i thought i found. But it feels too selfish; like even if i treated said person like gold, it's really not fair, knowing what I know. I still believe in love and I don't want to keep anyone else from feeling what I did. I still believe in love, i just somehow didn't get that lucky.