Reset button

It's been too long; too long paying for mistakes I've made, too long letting others influence the way I choose to live my life, too long spent being afraid to go after what I want. I live how I wish, but I care for the people in my life and I make every effort to remain a good friend and a good person, overall. However, nothing should come at the expense of my own peace of mind. I wake up every morning with instant anxiety. I rarely sleep enough because I can't switch my brain off and the best I can do is restless tossing and turning between short bouts of shut down. I constantly assert the level of space that I need, being a solitary person, but too often sacrifice this when someone asserts a need. I put my own neurosis aside, painting it with that label, neurosis, somehow assuming that I don't have the right to such eccentricities of character, and thus put the 'needs' of others first. No more. I am self-aware enough to state exactly what I need and I refuse to let the neediness of others shove that to the back burner. I compromise and will continue to do so for those I love, but will not feel guilty for putting my needs first. I own my life, I've gotten to this point by myself; I've had a lot of help, and I will continue to always help a friend in need, day or night...but not at such a high price that what I need is outweighed and overlooked. Toxic people: the switch has been flipped. Poison doesn't fit through the strainer I'm using, so please just move along. People whom I love: bear with me, because I've done the same for you.

I have goals I need to tackle, habits I need to eliminate and others I need to cling to, and decisions to make for myself. I need to live again, and currently, bullshit keeps getting in the way of me doing that to the degree at which I thrive. I am who I am and as Marilyn once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."